malekith i morathi u Jerryego Springera (ang.)

[ewok40k]

Part 1

(Jerry Springer logo; Audience applauding and screaming, Jerry Springer enters)

Jerry: Hello and welcome to the Jerry Springer Show. (waits for applause to subside) Thank you for joining us today for a morning of great emotions and feelings. We have a few very special guests here with us today who want to talk about their problems and maybe together we can find a solution. Our first guest is Malekith who calls himself the Witchking. So let’s meet him and ask him what that is all about. Please welcome Malekith!

(roaring applause and shouting as Malekith enters and takes a seat)

Jerry: Hello Malekith and welcome on the show.

Malekith: Hello Jerry. Thanks for inviting me.

Jerry: So, Malekith, what’s this Witchking business all about? Are you part of the Wicca community?

Malekith: Part of what? I am called the Witchking because I am a great wizard and the ruler of my people, the Darkelves.

Jerry: Oh, so you’re ruling a country. And where’s this country, somewhere in Europe, the Old World as you might say?

Malekith: Oh no, it’s far up north in the New World actually. It’s called Naggaroth.

Jerry: That’s a strange name for Canada, but that’s not why you’re here.

Malekith: No.

Jerry: You’re here because you want to talk about the relationship to your mother.

Malekith: That’s right, Jerry. That’s why I’m here.

Jerry: Tell us a little bit about your mother. What’s her name? What does she do for a living?

Malekith: Her name is Morathi. She’s a sorceress.

Jerry: So she performs in a circus, or in Vegas?

Malekith: No, no, the real thing, Jerry. Real magic. Spells, rituals, demons and all that. Actually, I am quite a good sorcerer myself.

Jerry: Yeah, you said so. Can’t you show us something?

Malekith (reluctant): Oh, I don’t know. I didn’t prepare anything.
(audience disappointed: Ohh)

Jerry: Oh, come on. Just a small trick. (to audience) Don’t you all want Malekith to show us a trick?

Audience: Yeahh

Malekith: Ok ok.

(He makes intricate gestures with his fingers, drawing the runes of the word Nagaelythe into the air, and releases the spell. A minor blizzard howls through the studio, blowing a few spectators off their seats. Everyone is shivering, some sneezing The camera lenses and flashlights freeze over with a thin cover of ice. One of the camerahands goes into shock.)

Sorry, sorry everyone. (some applaud, others look a bit angry)

Jerry (scratching the ice off his glasses): Very impressive. Now back to my real question…

Cameraman: Jerry, the second camera didn’t take the cold too well. We cannot shoot the next take. We have to wait it to thaw.

Jerry: Ok, then we do the commercials now. (to audience) See you again after the break when we learn all about Malekith’s relationship to his mother. And we’ll also meet Morathi herself. So stay tuned.

(Jerry Springer logo; commercial: Camera pans over a green sweeping field to soft music, in the back you can see two clashing armies and hear the ring of steel on steel from afar. A gentle voice speaks from the off: Don’t you know these days? When the going gets tough? When it’s man on man? When you feel like you could slaughter them all but your own wounds just won’t stop bleeding? That’s over now. The new Allwars Ultra Bandages are 100 percent more absorbant than comparable bandages. They are easy to apply and with their special Allwars three-layer system they stanch the bleeding right at its source so you can still enjoy fighting. Allwars Ultra Bandages. For happier wars all day every day. End of commercial)
Part 2

Jerry: Hi and welcome back to the second part of our show. Just before the break Malekith started telling us a little bit about his mum, and what kind of problems he is having with her. So, Malekith, what are your problems?

Malekith: Well, it’s everything Jerry. Every single thing that ever went wrong in my life has to do with her.

Jerry: What makes you think that?

Malekith: She has just been sabotaging me basically from the day I was born. It all started after my father Aenarion died.

Audience (sympathetic): Ahh

Jerry: You were only 37 then, weren’t you? Losing a father at that age must be quite horrible for an adolescent immortal like yourself? Tell us about your father and his marriage with Morathi.

Malekith: Well, he met her during the war, really chaotic times back then. It was his second marriage anyway and he had lost his first wife and two kids in the same war a few years before. I don’t know what kind of person he was before he married my mum, but I only remember him as a very negative, introverted, cold person. I never heard him say he loved me (sobs).

Jerry: So you did not have a very happy childhood then?

Malekith: No, it was war all the time, and while my father was such a cold person on the one hand, he was incredibly brutal and bloodthirsty in battle. He was the ruler of the Elves, you know, and defending the homeland. He wasn’t home a lot. And when he was, he just couldn’t put away those horrid war experiences. And that affected my parents’ marriage too, I think.

Jerry: Did he ever beat your mother?

Malekith: I don’t know but it wouldn’t have been out of character, if you asked me. But after all, he was a hero, he died defending the Elven kingdoms. (audience applauds and cheers) I looked up to him. I knew I wanted to be just like my dad when I grew up.

Jerry: But how does this all fit in with your mother sabotaging you, as you say she did?

Malekith: I’m gonna tell you Jerry. You see, after Dad died I would have been the obvious candidate for succession. I had quite a lot of support, but what happened in my home state of Nagarythe cost me the vote. And that was all my mother’s fault. She just ruined it.

Jerry: Did she manipulate the ballot?

Malekith: No, nothing like that. It was just her lifestyle. All the time, even during her marriage, she had lots of affairs. She had this secret circle going called the Cult of Pleasure, and they were celebrating orgies, performing the most perverse rituals, having group sex, torturing, raping and sacrificing people and drinking their blood. I saw it with my own eyes. Sometimes she even made me take part.

Audience (digusted): Ugh

Jerry: Wouldn’t you say that these experiences affected your own sexual orientation as well?

Malekith (slightly insecure): What do you mean?

Jerry: Well, look at you. You’re sitting here in this black, spiky armour, your face is behind a mask – with that kind of outfit you look definitely like you are quite deeply involved in the SM scene.

Malekith (infuriated): SM!? Do you want to insult me? I have nothing to do whatsoever with any Space Marine chapters, and if you or anyone else claims otherwise I’ll sue his ass. (He stands up and makes threatening gestures towards Jerry Springer. Two securities have to push him back in his seat again).

Jerry: I’m sorry Malekith, I didn’t want to insult you personally. Let’s get back to these orgies your mother was having. How did they affect your campaign for the throne?

Malekith: Well, it just got more and more after Aenarion’s death. She could no longer keeo it secret. And you know how it is when something like this becomes public. The media just blew the whole thing out of proportion, and with that bad press I decided it would be better to step down as a candidate.

Jerry: So someone else got your job because of your mother. But you didn’t leave it at that, did you?

Malekith: Of course not. I found evidence that this guy was himself part of this cult and confronted him and he committed suicide.

Someone from the audience: That’s a lie. You killed him. You poisoned him.

Malekith: That’s never been proved. So shut up and sit down.

Jerry: Malekith, I forbid you to threaten my audience. Otherwise I must ask you to go.

Malekith: Okay, I’ll behave myself.

Jerry: Don’t you want to answer to that accusation.

Malekith: No, get on with it.

Jerry: Maybe we’ll do another show about that question. Would that be okay?

Malekith: Sure. So, as I said the other king had died, and to shorten things a bit, I went straight on to crown myself. All that was required was a kind of fire baptism ceremony. I walked through the holy flame and was totally charred.

Jerry: That’s what usually happens when you walk through a fire.

Malekith: Yes, but the flames should not have hurt me because I was the rightful heir. Just because of my mother’s involvement with Chaos did I fail this test of purity. Apart from that, I almost burned to death.

Audience (horrified): Ahh.

Jerry: But your mother saved you from the flames. Aren’t you in the least bit thankful for that?

Malekith: Honestly, that was the least I could expect after her abnormal tastes had got me there. The whole thing resulted in me and the Elves from my state being exiled. And for all those millennia we were stuck in this inhabitable, cold, nasty country in the north.

Jerry: Yeah, Canada really isn’t very nice.

Malekith: I have tried time and again to reclaim what is rightfully mine and invade the kingdoms of Ulthuan.

Jerry: Ulthuan?

Malekith: Well, the country I originally came from. The island realm. Didn’t you listen?

Jerry: Oh, you mean Britain. I always wondered what the U in UK stood for.

Malekith: Well, whatever. One of the reasons why I’ve never been able to lead my invasions to a successful conclusion was all the backstabbing and internecine strife between all the noble families. It’s pure anarchy. As soon as I leave home, everything falls apart. And guess who’s responsible for that?

Jerry: Your mother!?

Malekith: Exactly. Did you know she actually kept her Cult of Pleasure alive all those centuries? It grew stronger and stronger, a dangerous force within the kingdom. And then she even allied herself with those primitive brutes from the north my armies have fought and died to keep away, and invites them into the country. We had a terrible civil war going on and it still rages on in some parts.

Jerry: So your mother used her cult and allied herself to a few indigenous people to steal your crown?

Malekith: Yes. She fought a war against me, her own son. She wanted all the power for herself and her perverse hermaphrodite god.

Audience (disgusted and outraged): Boo! Ugh! What a biatch!

Jerry: Okay, then let’s meet this woman who is causingt so much trouble. I ask you for a warm welcome for Morathi.

(Morathi enters dressed in her usual hint-of-nothing gear. In her left hand she holds a small black rectangular shield in front of her breasts and in the right she carries the Heartrender. Then she throws the small black shield away and holds her attributes straight in the camera. Shaking her ass she walks up to the second chair next to Malekith’s. She puts the Heartrender to the ground and makes a short poledancing show. The men in the audience cheer, the women seem more envious than enthusiastic and boo and whistle.)

Jerry: Welcome, Morathi and thanks for being with us. If I may say so, you look absolutely gorgeous today.

Morathi: Thank you Jerry.

Jerry: How old are you, Morathi?

Morathi: You should never ask a lady’s age, don’t you know that. All I’m telling you is that it’s several thousand years.

Jerry: Well, for that age you are in an unbelievably good shape. You look very sexy. But as this is a daytime programme I must ask you to hold up that shield again.

Morathi: Oops, sorry. (holds up shield again)

Jerry: Even if that’s not our topic here today, I think a lot of women in the audience might want to know how you manage to still look so young and fit. What’s your secret?

Morathi: Well, it wouldn’t be a secret any longer if I told you, would it?

Jerry: But a lot of people say you had surgery.

Morathi: That’s a blatant lie.

Jerry: And just before the show we had to disperse a demonstration of animal rights activists who say you are using cosmetics tested on animals. What do you say to that?

Morathi: I can assure you I have never used or done anything that would hurt an animal.

Jerry: So what ARE you doing?

Morathi: A lot of exercise, sex, well and I bathe in human blood once a year.

Audience (horrified): Uuh, Ohh! (Some are sick, others faint)

Jerry: You are doing WHAT?

Morathi: Bathing in human or elven blood. It’s very revitalising. The fountain of youth, if you ask me. It’s perfectly allright in Naggaroth. My son and I rule and we make the rules. It’s just slaves anyway, so.

A slightly overweight woman from the audience shouts: What kind of example are you setting for our young girls? An old hag like you walking around like a hooker telling people if they bathe in blood they’re going to be beautiful and sexy? What are you thinking? Don’t you have any sense of responsibility whatso…
(Morathi flicks her hand in the direction of the women in a condescending gesture without even looking. A searing bolt of lightning lashes through the room from her fingertips, hitting the women and turning her into a heap of scorched flesh.)

Jerry (shocked): You cannot do this. I cannot allow this on my show. This is no way to lead a constructive discussion. We all have to follow certain rules and they apply to everyone.

Morathi (puzzled): What do you mean?

Jerry: She was in the second-last row. You absolutely had no line of sight for that spell.

Morathi: Oh, come on, this fat biatch surely counted as a big target.

Jerry: Oh, did she. Does the audience think so as well?

Someone from the audience: Yeah! She was a big fat ugly cow.
Everyone else: Yeah!

Jerry: Okay, at least we agree on that point. But before we get on with the more juicy details of Malekith’s and Morathi’s relationship, we have to clean up the mess in the back rows. See you again in a few minutes for part three of the Jerry Springer Show.

(Jerry Springer logo; commercial: A black screen. You can only hear faint squeaking noises and the sound of hundreds of small feet hurrying over stone. A voice speaks: They’re everywhere. They’ve infested every single place in your home. They’ve eaten your food (picture of an empty store room), they’ve polluted your water (a dirty puddle of sewerage), and they’ve even killed your cat (a tiny grave). And you can’t do anything to stop them. Really? No, you can. With the new rat poison from SkavEx you free your castle or mountain hall of every vermin around. Easy to use, 100 percent environmentally friendly, and just 19,99. Just call 0800-RAT and order your mega-pack of SkavEx. The first ten callers get a whole unit of Skavenslayers for free. The SkavEx logo zooms in. End)

--------------------
-

[ewok40k]

Part 3

Jerry: Welcome back. In case you’ve just joined now let me tell you what we have heard so far. Earlier on the show, Malekith told us that all bad things that ever happened to him were his mother’s fault. Then Morathi joined us to tell us her point of view. Anyway, we didn’t get to that because she had a small disagreement with someone from the audience. It was all getting a bit messy, but that has been cleared now. So we come back to our real topic. Malekith, during the break you just said that your mother’s behaviour was absolutely typical. What do you mean by that?

Malekith: Well, it’s just totally in character. Whenever somebody gives her backtalk or there’s some kind of disagreement she just comes along and kills them. She just doesn’t respect any rules and goes out of her way to bend or break them whenever she gets the opportunity. That’s really annoying if you have to run a country like I do, and your mother constantly interferes and breaks the laws I make. That’s undermining my authority. Imagine your mother came on the show, Jerry, and interrupted you all the time believing she knows better.

Jerry: I see what you mean. So Morathi, why are you doing that?

Morathi: I’m only doing what every mother does. I just do what’s best for my son. And if he doesn’t know what’s best for him, I simply have to do it for him. If I hadn’t signed that insurance policy against fire damage for him, he’d never have got this nice black suit of armour. He wouldn’t have got a penny because he thought he could simply walk through there. You know how youths are, Jerry. They just don’t think. Parents just have to look out for him, and that’s exactly what I’m doing.

Malekith (annoyed): Excuse me, YOU said I should get rid of Bel-Shanaar and crown myself Phoenix King. You knew I’d get burned. Why didn’t you warn me?

Morathi: I did. Several times. You didn’t listen. Or maybe you did listen but didn’t hear anything. I told you this Rock’n’Roll racket would affect your ears.

Malekith: That was Heavy Metal, not Rock’n’Roll. Iron Maiden, Manowar.

Morathi: Manowar? You always told me that was this board game with these tiny toy warships I bought you from Gav’s Orcshop when you were a teenager. I certainly remember that because it was so terribly overpriced.

Malekith: It’s the same name, and yes it was an expensive hobby, okay, but you didn’t pay anyway, you killed Gav right away. I’ll add that to my list. It’s your fault as well they never released a new edition.

Morathi (waving her finger at her son): Oh come on, you little unthankful brat. Did you get the game or not?

Malekith: Yes, mum.

Morathi: And did you become king?

Malekith: Yes, but not of the Highelves. And that was all your fault, because you let me walk through that fire.

Morathi: I didn’t know you would rush things like you did. If you had left a note on the kitchen table saying you’re off to the Shrine of Asuryan, I’d have been there earlier.

Malekith: I left a note. On the bed in my room.

Morathi: You know I don’t go into your room. All those glazed-over Everqueen pin-up posters make me sick. And who cared for your wounds after you were burned? Who healed you?

Malekith (baffled): Healed me!? (he opens his visor to show his charred face)

Audience (disgusted): That’s terrible.

Malekith: Do you call this surgery? That’s quackery. That’s the work of a dilletant.

Morathi: That’s the best I could do in that short time. Is that the way you thank your mother? (starts sobbing) I gave everything to save your life, and you say… (cries incontrallably)

Audience: Boo! What kind of son are you? Throw him out! Disinherit him! You’re a disgrace!

Jerry (grabs a chair next to Morathi and lays his arm around her shoulder): There there! I’m sure he didn’t mean it that way. (takes a box of handkerchiefs from an assistant and gives them to Morathi) Just give it a few minutes. Would you like a glass of water?

Morathi: Yes, please. (she slowly drinks the water)

Jerry: Are you allright to continue?

Morathi: Yeah, yeah. It’s okay.

Jerry: Okay, Malekith. Was that really necessary making your mother cry just now? Do you have anything to say?

Malekith: Mum, I’m sorry for what I said about the surgery. Thank you for saving my life. I know nobody could have healed my after the flames almost killed me. That was my own fault. (he stands up and embraces his mother)

Audience: Ahh. He’s such a nice boy.

Jerry: Oh, that was a really touching scene right now. But I think we still have to settle a few things between you, or is it just the happy family again now?

Malekith: Well, I apologised for one thing, but I still want some answers from her about some other things.

Morathi: But, I told you before. I’m just doing it for your best.

Malekith: And what about all the orgies and the affairs when I was little, even when you were still married to Dad? Were they supposed to be for my best as well?

Jerry: He’s got a point there, Morathi. You slept with lots of different men, performed certain sexual practices you might call deviant or even perverse. Seeing all this must surely be damaging for a child’s mind. But you still did it. Why?

Morathi: What was I supposed to do? Aenarion was almost never at home. A woman has certain needs. And Nagarythe is such a bleak and boring country, there’s nothing exciting you can do in your freetime except, of course…

Jerry: I must remind you that this is a daytime programme, Morathi.

Morathi: Sorry. Well, you know what I mean certainly. I didn’t mean for him to see it, but little boys are so curious. He was bound to catch me in the act some time, and when he did there was no point in keeping it secret from him. And as I said, he was curious, and he wasn’t all that young.

Jerry (shocked and unbelieving): You mean, you let him take part!?

Morathi: Sure. I couldn’t have stopped him anyway. I was experimenting with drugs a lot back then, so I wasn’t really on the planet, if you get my meaning.

Jerry: Now that is absolutely shocking. You even took drugs in front of your son. Didn’t you have any sense of responsibility? They should have taken away your care and custody for him.

Morathi: Who they? I was the queen, remember. And he was having so much fun torturing the slaves and…

Jerry: Please, not on the show. So you still don’t concede that you might have made mistakes in Malekith’s upbringing?

Morathi: No, why?

Jerry: But look at what he became. He is a cruel, sadistic, bloodthirsty, mass-murdering megalomaniac. He is blinded by ambition, consumed by revenge and hatred, he’s morally depraved and sexually perverted, he’s a war-mongerer, a war criminal, a slayer of women and children, a torturer of men, an oppressor of people and a terrorist. I’d even say he’s almost as bad as Osama Bin Laden.

Malekith: Oh, thank you very much. Nicely put. If I should ever die, Khaine beware, I’d want you to read the sermon. That was so nice, I could almost cry.

Jerry: Morathi, look at your creature. He’s proud of it.

Morathi: But that’s alle I ever wanted him to be. That’s what I worked for all my life. And he’s turned out just nasty…nice, I mean. I’m so proud of my son.

Audience: Ahh.

Jerry: But that doesn’t stop you from undermining his rule. You even led a coup d’état against your son with your Cult of Pleasure. What’s your explanation for that?

Morathi: I was just putting things right in the state that went wrong under my son. I don’t want to say he’s totally incapable as a ruler, but there was inner turmoil all the time. One noble family plotted against the other. It was a right bloody mess, I tell you. Just like his room actually.

Malekith (moans): That was the whole concept, you stupid old crone.

Morathi: Mind your language, young man.

Malekith: The idea was that as long as the nobles plotted against each other they’d never unite under one banner and plot against me. That’s why I fostered this anarchy. What do you think I have the assassins for? They kill anyone who gets too dangerous and successful, but always make it appear like another house killed him. In the meantime my fleets provide the altars of Khaine with a constant stream of fresh blood, and the Witchelves and Executioners make sure every commoner lives in fear and there’s not going to be a revolution. Don’t you know anything about politics? That’s what you taught me to do.

Morathi: I never taught you to rely on the Khainites. They’re far too dangerous. Remember your father. The Sword of Khaine consumed him. Took his soul. You know his body was never found. It’s too dangerous dabbling with the worshippers of the Blood God more than necessary.

Malekith (sarcastic): Oh, and I assume your Slaanesh cult is just about drinking tea and playing Bridge. Your interference with the Chaos powers will of course not cost you your soul. They are SO nice. And Khaine is SO bad and cruel.

Morathi: Actually, Khaine is just another name for…

A Witchelf in the audience: Heresy! Heresy!

Morathi: Oh, do shut up. I’m your queen.

Jerry: Excuse me, if I’m interrupting there, Morathi. I have absolutely no idea what you and Malekith are talking about just now.

Malekith: Just talking business, you know. Religious disputes.

Jerry: Oh, now it’s getting controversial. So what’s at the core of this dispute?

Morathi: There’s no dispute. Most Darkelves are worshipping one god, and the followers of the Cult of Pleasure are worshipping another, and we loathe each other with a passion.

Jerry: It was a religious war then. A crusade?

Morathi: So to speak. We were just settling the question which cult should have more influence in the state with non-peaceful means.

Jerry: A bit like Democrats and Republicans you mean?

Malekith: No, not quite. There ARE actually differences between the two cults.

Jerry: So Morathi thought that one group had too much influence on Malekith’s government or him personally, and you wanted to change that.

Morathi: Yes, that’s perfectly right.

Malekith: But the Khainites didn’t have any more influence than they deserved.

Morathi: Oh, and what about the priestesses who join you once per week for “theological discussion”? (audience cheer and laugh)

Malekith (slightly embarassed): Ahem, that’s a kind of private question.

Jerry: Come on, Malekith. What happens during these so-called discussions?

Malekith: Didn’t you point out over and over again that this was a daytime programme!?

Jerry: Oh, come on, man, wake up. Why do you think people are watching this show?

Malekith (hesitating): Don’t know. Because they like you?

Someone from the audience: Don’t be ridiculous.

Jerry: People come here or watch the show on TV because of these delicate details, especially sexual ones, to make up for the lack of excitement and sexual satisfaction in their own miserable lives.

Morathi: Will that comment not cost you sympathy?

Jerry: No way, people don’t believe what they see and hear on telly anyway. Back on topic. You met these priestesses on a regular basis then and, I assume had sex with them, Malekith?

Malekith: Yes, I admit it.

Morathi: But you don’t need to have sex with those perverted Witches. All the sorceresses are legally your wives. You could take them. There are hundreds of them.

Jerry: Interesting. So you have institutionalised polygamy in your state. A bit like Utah then, isn’t it?

Malekith: How should I know. Never been there.

Jerry: You should, wonderful country. Great landscape. Okay, but why don’t you sleep with all your wives when there are so many of them? Why are you looking for excitement elsewhere?

Malekith: They’re so stuffy and reserved. No wonder when they have to take a vow of celibacy when becoming a sorceress. They’ve no experience whatsoever. And they’re all so bloody smart. They read too many books I think. All they want to do is talk all night. It’s difficult enough to do anything distantly resembling intercourse in this suit of armour, so when I do it I want it to be worth it. And these Witchelves, let me tell you, they sure know an elf’s body.

Morathi: But imagine they got pregnant. With the sorceresses you’d know it’s your child, or they’ve broken their vow and thereby forfeited their lives. With the Witchelves you can never be sure. You know what they do with their sacrificial victims before they kill them. Anything from an elf to an orc could be the father of the bastard they say was from you. Do you want to pay child maintenance to the end of your life? You’re immortal, remember, that’s a lot of money that could cost you.

Malekith: That couldn’t happen. We used protection.

Jerry: Well, maybe that was not enough because I have two other guests waiting outside. They’re both priestesses of Khaine, they’re both pregnant, and both say Malekith is the father of their babies. But before that we make another break.

(Jerry Springer logo: Commercial: A young man is walking through the streets of a dark and gloomy medieval city. At a street corner two sexy young girls in minimal clothing throw flirty looks at him. They follow him, catch up with him and drag him into a house entrance and start a hot petting session. Then the two girls drag him up broad stairs to a large temple-like building. Inside they drag him to a large stone block underneath a huge golden statue. They press him down on the stone. The man is still willing to play the naughty games of the two. They bind his hands and legs so he can’t move. Then the camera goes dark, there’s a short aprupt noise. In the next picture we see the man’s head rolling over the floor. Zoom in on a broad axe-blade dripping with blood. A voice says: The AXE effect; end commercial)
--------

[ewok40k]

Part 4

Jerry: Hello and welcome back to the final part of today’s programme. Just before the break Morathi told us that she is worried about the influence the Khaine worshippers have on her son. She’s especially afraid that as a result of Malekith’s affairs with some priestesses he might have to pay maintenance for children that are actually not his own. But there are two such priestesses who claim they got pregnant after some of their intimate meetings with the Witchking. Let’s meet them. Here are Kharmen and Pamlla.

(Two stunning Witchelves enter the stage. They are dressed as might be expected, half-naked with uncombed hair and dark rings under their eyes. Their bellies, however show no sign of a pregnancy, they are as slim and trim as the rest of their bodies. When the two approach Malekith and Morathi, the Sorceress jumps from her seat and slaps them in their faces. A little cat fight ensues which is cheered loudly by the crowd until Jerry’s bodyguards separate them and push the two new guests into their chairs several metres away from Morathi and Malekith.)

Jerry: No fighting on my show please, all of you. We can all behave like civilised people and talk about problems. Welcome on the show, Kharmen and Pamlla. Is it right that you two had an intimate affair with your king Malekith?

Kharmen: Yeah, that’s right.

Jerry: And how did that all start?

Kharmen: Well, this year’s Death Night celebrations were terribly exhausting, abducting people and sacrificing them hours on end. To be quite honest we couldn’t have managed if we hadn’t taken a few things to stay awake.

Jerry: You mean you were drugged?

Kharmen: Yes, Jerry. But it’s such a stressful job. There’s such a pressure on you to fulfill your quotas you have to push your body to the edge. Otherwise you’re next on the line yourself. Anyway, after we had finished for the night, we wanted to do chill out a bit and we heard about this cool private party going on in the Witchking’s palace. So we went there to hang out a little and get a bit of distraction. Unsurprisingly, Malekith was also at the party and he walked up to us saying a really crap chat-up line.

Jerry: What was that?

Kharmen: Well, something like “Do you come here often?” (audience laughs, Malekith sinks his head into his hands in embarassment). But hey, he’s the king, so who cares? At least he offered to buy us a drink.

Pamlla: A few actually.

Jerry: How many?

Pamlla: Oh, I don’t remember. We had a few Witchbrews too much that night, and several Bloody Mary’s as well.

Kharmen (grins): We were absolutely hammered.

Jerry: Malekith, so you made these young ladies drunk so you could do whatever you wanted with them?

Audience: Boo!
Pamlla: Actually, the drinks tasted rather odd. So there might have been something in them.

Jerry: Malekith, I’m shocked. That’s despicable. You spiked their drinks to drag them into your room to rape them!? How pathetic is that!? Can’t you just pull girls without using alcohol and drugs? Using your charisma and charme?

Malekith: Tell me when that ever worked in the real world. But anyway, that’s absolutely not what happened. We had a nice conversation.

Kharmen: Yeah, that’s actually true. We did have a long conversation.

Jerry: What did you talk about?

Kharmen: Oh, this and that. Hobbies and stuff like that. We three have so much in common, it was unbelievable.

Jerry: That’s always nice in a relationship.

Kharmen: Oh, absolutely. And he knows so much about torturing and mutilating victims. He’s a master of his art. He kind of invented it, you could say. There’s so much we could learn from him. After all, he’s got so much experience in that field.

Jerry: Is that why you went up to his room? Because you two fancy older, experienced guys? (audience cheers)

Pamlla: Well, maybe it played a part. But we actually came with him because he promised us to show us his collection of whips, tongs, iron hooks and other torturing instruments.

Jerry: Is that what it’s called today? Used to be called showing someone your stamp collection in my days. That must have been the oldest trick in the world.

Pamlla: No, honestly. He showed us around, let us play with a few High Elf slaves, whip them and gut them. That was so nice. He also had a few Dwarves in stock and we shaved off all their hair. Everything. You should have seen their faces. It was so much fun. And Malekith really behaved like a perfect gentleman the whole time.

Jerry: Honestly, I find that hard to believe.

Kharmen: Well, later of course, he said it had been a long and demanding day for us all and we should all take a rest. That’s when he told us about his brand new…

Malekith (suddenly alight with terror): No, not that. Tell anything but that!

Jerry: Why are you so excited, Malekith? What’s the matter? Why don’t you want Kharmen to say it? Is it some dirty secret you don’t want us to know about?

Malekith: Well, obviously. Why do you think I want to stop her from telling?

Morathi (menacing): Telling what?

Malekith (trembling violently): N-nothing, mum. R-really nothing.

Jerry: That doesn’t sound like nothing at all. Come on, tell us. Or you, Kharmen. What did he tell you about?

Kharmen: He had this new whirl-pool in his bedroom. A massive thing. And the bath was so relaxing and revitalising. I felt like a newborn afterwards.

Morathi: WHAT WHIRLPOOL for Khaine’s sake. Why don’t I know about this?

Malekith: It happened while you were gathering your Cultists around you to remove me from government, remember. You were not there. So I could do whatever I wanted with my room.

Morathi (almost whispering, her eyes flashing): And what did you do?

Malekith: Well, you had moved out and there was still all your stuff. I wanted to chuck it all out to teach you a lesson. While rummaging through all your artifacts I stumbled across…well no, I actually bumped into the thing.

Morathi: WHAT THING?

Malekith: This old brazen cauldron you always used to bathe in.

Morathi: NOOOOOOO. (She jumps from her seat and throws a Doombolt at Malekith who easily dispels it because he had expected this reaction. Then she falls to her knees and cries violently.) What did you do, you good-for-nothing fool of a son? You stupid moron. My beautiful cauldron, the true cauldron, turned into a whirlpool. Why? Why-y-y-y?

Malekith: I originally wanted to throw it away but then I thought that it was the perfect opportunity to pay back your treason. I had a Dwarf slave, an engineer, make the necessary changes and install it in my bedroom. No, that’ll teach to plot behind my back.

Morathi: Malekith, don’t you realise what you’ve done? You’ve destroyed the most holy artifact of our culture. What’s gonna become of me now, I’m gonna grow old and ugly and die, no longer able to regenerate.

Malekith: I didn’t ruin it. It’s an upgrade. It still works perfectly allright. Maybe I let you use it some time. But only if you behave again and stop this stupid rebellion and crush the cult.

Jerry: We’ve got a bit off topic here. We were talking about your first night with Kharmen and Pamlla.

Audience: Yeah!

Jerry: So what else did happen that night?

Pamlla: Well, it was very nice of Malekith to let us use the cauldron, so we owed him something in a way. And as he never gets normal Elf women, especially High Elf slaves, to do certain things, and we’re quite skilled in the art of stimulation and some other practices he’s very much into as well…

Malekith: I think he gets the picture.

Pamlla: What shall I say, the chemistry between us three, and the sex as well, were great, so we met on a regular basis. Well, long story is short. Now we’re pregnant and he’s the father.

Malekith: That is absolutely impossible. I used condoms.

Jerry: With your spiky armour on that’s not really a safe bet.

Malekith: But they told me they were taking the pill.

Jerry: Let me tell you from my long years of experience doing this show. That’s what they always say.

Pamlla: We did take some pills. Might have been some drugs though, I don’t remember.

Malekith: Oh dear!

Morathi. How do we know they’re really his and not some slave’s you raped on the altar in your religious extasy?

Jerry: We actually made a paternity test?

Morathi: How?

Jerry: We took a blood sample from the unborn in their mothers’ wombs and some sample from Malekith.

Malekith: So that’s what this biometric data thing at the airport was about.

Jerry: Exactly. We did several tests and our laboratory says since both samples kept the same colour even after all the experiments the chance of a sirehood is 99.82%.

Malekith: Are you trying to be funny?

Jerry: It’s as good as any test. Do you really think our studios have the money to pay for all those expensive tests in all those “I’m pregnant and he has to pay”-shows?

Malekith mumbles something indestinguishable and sinks back in his chair pouting.

Jerry: What’s gonna happen when your children are born, Pamlla? Do you want to raise them as a single parent?

Morathi: Their brats are going to be killed on the altars of Khaine as soon as they catch the first glimpse of daylight. That’s the law.

Pamlla: We were hoping that Malekith would bend the rules for us so they would not be killed.

Jerry: Could you do that?

Malekith: Hey, I’m a dictator. What do you think?

Jerry: But would you?

Malekith: I guess I might. That’s the least thing I can do for them as a father.

Audience: Ahh.

Malekith: But I’m not paying one penny in child support, just to make that clear.

Audience. Boo.

Kharmen: We don’t need any child support. We actually don’t even want to raise the children. We plan to give them to the temple of Khaine.

Jerry: Your own child?

Kharmen: Being a priestess is a 24-hour job, there’s no time to raise a kid. The temple will do that. If it’s a girl, she becomes a Witch, if not, an assassin.

Jerry: So you give awy your children because you cannot give them a proper education yourselves? That’s a hard step to do for a mother. (a few sympathy Oh’s from the audience)

Pamlla (sobs): Yes.

Jerry: But do you want to continue your relationship with Malekith even though he won’t pay for his children

Pamlla: Oh, that’s not a problem. We’re still great friends. We talk about so many things, friends, families. Did you know he absolutely hates his mother?

Morathi: WHAT? Say that again, you b*BEEP*h.

Kharmen: It’s Witch actua…

Morathi: What did he say about me?

Pamlla: He said he was glad you started the civil war because this way he might get rid off you. He had the palace for himself at last and could do whatever he wanted. He really felt dominated and patronised by his mother.

Morathi: Did you say that, Malekith?

Malekith: Of course not, I’d never…

Kharmen. Of course you did. But honestly, I think that’s just façade. He loves his mother so much he just always does what she tells him to do. Once he also told us that sometimes his mother came to his room and, well used her sensuality on him, to put it in light terms. She was nice to him in many ways, and he was also nice to her. (audience cheers, while Malekith sinks ever deeper into his chair)

Morathi (shocked): Malekith, how could you talk about that? That was our little secret. Make her stop, Jerry.

Jerry: Why? Stories like these are the lifeblood of our show. Go on, Kharmen.

Kharmen: He said he was glad the time was over and that he hated these visits, but then I caught him smelling on the old clothes Morathi had left in her room, smelling on the thongs and bras and kissing them. (Morathi faints)

Jerry (with an ironic smirk): So Malekith, you indeed had a very special relationship with your mother. But your problem is not that she is sabotaging your career in any way. You simply cannot stand by fact that you love your mother, not just in the way any son would love his mother, but in a sexual and perverted way. You frig your mother. Just come right out and admit it. You have an Oedipus complex, and a serious one at that. You should really seek counselling.

(While Jerry rambles on, Malekith makes an almost invisible gesture. A person in the audience rushes towards Jerry from behind. A dagger in one hand and a curved sword in the other he grabs Jerry, and with a few fast slashes cuts off Jerry’s head and cuts the letters SB in his shirt and chest. The dozen bodyguards or so who are running to Shadowblade and his decapitated prey also fall under a few lightning-like, almost gracious gashes. Then he walks on to Malekith and bows deeply to his lord and master.)

Malekith: Thanks you, boy, really nice job. Now do me a favour and…(he waves his head towards the two would-be mothers)

Shadowblade: Yes, Mylord. (the executions are short and messy. Many in the audience are sick, many women faint. Some rise in protest.)

Someone from the audience: You monster. They had babies.

Malekith: Nope, they did not even have big bellies. They just felt a bit bloated from drinking too much blood. Always happens in combination with all those drugs.

Someone from the audience: But the paternity test?

Malekith: Umm, Shadowblade. You be nice boy and bring master head of man you just killed.

Shadowblade: Yes, Mylord. (He returns with the head. Malekith holds him at arm’s length by his hair and shakes him.)

Malekith: Waky, waky!

Jerry’s head: I’m dead, you stupid!

Malekith: So what? This is a fantasy game. I can get someone to make you undead. But that takes a lot of time and I’d get what I want anyway. So be a little more cooperative.

Jerry’s head: What if I’m not?

Malekith: In that case I’m going to sell you to my very dear friend Oprah as a foot bench or an ashtray or something.

Jerry’s head: No, please no. Anything but that. I’ll tell you everything.

Malekith: Okay, were these girls here pregnant?

Jerry’s head: No.

Malekith (shakes the head): Louder! So the audience can hear it !

Jerry’s head: NO, THEY WERE NOT PREGNANT!

Malekith: And what about the test?

Jerry’s head: THAT WAS FAKED! I confess, I confess, I cheated. I lied to my audience.

Someone from the audience: Let’s kill the bastard.

Malekith: You don’t have the smartest audience in the world, do you?

Jerry’s head: Which talk show has?

Malekith: True. Thanks for being so helpful. (he hands the head back to Shadowblade) But this in a nice box, find some decorative ribbon and send it to Oprah with a note saying “From your great friend and fan Malekith”.

Jerry’s head: But you said you wouldn’t.

Malekith: Oh, sorry. (laughs cruelly and turns to the audience) As a compensation for the tragic loss of your beloved show-master, I’ll invite you all to be my guest and join my on a cruise on board the Jade Palace of Pa…err Fun, I mean, to go on a cruise to see the wonders of my northern realm. The ship just happens to lie in port so if you’d please follow me and the cabin crew in the scaly suits waiting in front of the studio and board the ship. Thank you.

Audience: Oh great! A cruise! That’s nice.

Morathi (no longer unconcious): They’re really not very smart, are they?

Malekith: No, not smart at all.

Morathi: But you were absolutely brilliant. I’m so proud of you.

Malekith: Thanks, I had a great teacher.

Morathi: That’s nice.

Malekith: So it’s all forgive and forget then?

Morathi: Of course, I could never be angry with you. I’m sorry for the civil war. Was a bit messy.

Malekith: Yeah, but quite entertaining. Next time we should settle our differences in another way.

Morathi: Yes, we could play a game of chess instead.

Malekith: Yeah, or I finally paint up my Warhammer army so we can play that.

Morathi: Good idea, let’s do that when we get back. But why are the miniatures that expensive actually?

Malekith: Because we produce them. I’m Gav Thorpe’s alter ego. What do you think we need all the slaves for? Digging for metal, of course. And because everyone wants to play Darkelves I’m gonna pull every penny out of their pockets by never releasing a Dark Riders regiment box.

Morathi: But then why are they so weak in the game? The other races are all so much stronger.

Malekith (rubbing his hands): Hihi, guess why! To torment the Darkelf players. Hahahaha.

(Laughing cruelly and laying one arm around the other’s shoulder the two leave the studio and board the ship waiting for them in the harbour where the Jade Palace of Pain is waiting with its new living and blissfully unaware cargo of slaves and sacrificial victims. HAPPY END. Hahahahaha)

[Sokół]

hmmm.... Nudzi³o Ci siê ?: > A tak Pozatym To nawet ciekawe